Some stupid product packaging instructions

I plead guilty – I listen to talk radio at night. (A habit that will have to be given up once school starts!) A program I enjoy, when I can stay awake, is “Overnight America” with Jon Grayson. He offered up these product warnings the other night. One has to wonder what people did, or tried to do, to warrant these warnings being printed in the first place. These are from “The Funny Pages,” a publication from the United Kingdom, “In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity. Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.” Enjoy!

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping,

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron”: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.

On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.

On a child’s Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a toboggan: (which, by the way, is a sled without runners, no matter what those in southeastern Ohio may say!) Beware – Sledge may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

Emergency safety procedures at a U.S. summer camp: In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood proceed uphill quickly. (Given local weather lately, this might not be a bad warning after all!)

In a microwave oven manual: Do not use for drying pets.

On the bottom of a cola bottle: Do not open here.

On a bottle of laundry detergent: Remove clothing before distributing in washing machine.

A car park sign: Entrance only. Do not enter.

Rules on a tram in Prague: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be persecuted.

On a bottle of baby lotion: Keep away from children.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle: Some assembly required

On a birthday card for a one year old: Not suitable for children aged under 36 months or less.

On a TV remote: Not dishwasher safe.

In a dishwasher manual: Do not allow children to play in dishwasher.

A street sign in Hong Kong: Beware of people.

On a can of air freshener: For use by trained personnel only.

On a blowtorch: Not used for drying hair.

On a push lawn mower: Not to be used as a hedge trimmer.

Now, don’t you feel better knowing these things?

Sue Sampson is a longtime columnist for The Parkersburg News & Sentinel.